Since I Had a Friend

I’ve been struggling—against the given odds and the people from within these given circumstances I found myself in from within, especially these past two years since being out in the mid-west—the malevolence is 😔 heavy and stifling. Devoid of the last bit of hope that would only be needed and required for further strength in propelling me to trek these lands, seemingly •alone• ever since he left me. And ever since I’ve had to give up my infant daughter of a mere three weeks postpartum.

Me and Brandon—would forever be at this immense loss. Odet Elise pictured, above, late 2020

That was 22 April 2019.

My soul is heavy with the burden of great sorrow as I listen to Sik Worlds latest to be dropped heartfelt utterance with the perfect pitch in melody 🎶 that is a tell-all of what I never reveal. The answer to my elicited and almost unerringly expressed goofy, silly and funny antics to ad nauseam. …That’s me; it’s incredibly heart wrenching in acknowledgment of my defeats—I’ve shared many of them all throughout my twenties. I’ve lost the family that I’ve ever loved with something I couldn’t begin to describe in its meaningfulness for me. And all those longings that of which continue in suppression. They’re unfulfilled; unexpressed and quickly dismissed natural wanton expectations in assuming the privileged yet, commonly possessed social familial structures that have repeatedly, and consistently been denied and then, question when hands held up in protestation.

Created a most telling story of where my pain is at—and yes, it’s still absolutely fucking “unresolved” with unbearable grief. I should have never had to lose him. We both deserved to carry this out; to fucking realize these plans, the dreams we held delicately; gingerly from within the cup of our hands in ever-constant fear for losing—before there would have been any justification for these deep-seated anxieties. <;

The family court system from Norristown Family Court destroyed me at the young age of 19. …That loss I came to incur without hesitation or stream in tears was utterly destroying. Those experiences that heavily characterized all of one decade that which consisted of my entire years throughout has stricken me with confounded grief and deep-seated and unmovable contempt and rage.

that was unquestionably inflicted a torment <;

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