Third Day In

Getting #lit is my ultimate past time: from there everything fun and exciting absolutely just takes off. Shit—there’s much to say, I just gotta get it down.

Sometimes I think back over my relationship with my late boyfriend, and I feel as though he didn’t deserve me. And likely in many ways he didn’t. But, I know at our very core, the two of us, we were chosen to make standing and lasting statements of unwavering love. I miss him. I wonder what the spiritual realm is like. I wonder how much he attempts to communicate with me, and—if he’s waiting with patient yet earnest expectant wanting for those decades to pass, what he wanted and yearned for coming ever so closer.

Listening to Korn’s “Mass Hysteria” rn. Well, now I live with my girlfriend Amanda and her family out here in Spearfish. Pete basically turned his nose up at me and decidedly passed judgement where he has no bearing. And I’m liking spearfish. New people, for sure and it has its beauty where RC just doesn’t seem to hold.

Expose: Making Us Famous

I never did stand a chance in the inevitable rendered decision as to whether I was “allowed” to keep my infant daughter and then, almost ten years into the said custody f my oldest daughter, where the grueling and ongoing litigation took precedence throughout my 20’s—I learned slowly how one can be deemed as “unfit” quickly! Take into question a mother’s sanity—where psychiatry appointments for, in my case, treating my AD/HD and PTSD with effective medication that works was shuddered at with accusing suggestions showcasing a stigma that I’ve never successfully outgrown or sold off to another. And it ruined my life as for parenting my child—a lasting, fulfilling and most earned role that I bore in childbirth. And that goes for Odet Elise. I would have been an incredible mother; gentle, attentive and one cognizant to the most-needed understanding and recognized need for feelings and having the uncanny ability to relate with the youth.

My character was continually defamed. . . . And I lived out my years where my past would be a permanent mark of shame; playing into question was not the poor ability to shoulder psychological distress. No passes were thrown my way of understanding. No. Being crazy significantly played well into the hand of my enemies with my first child and then, to that of my love child, Odet, our in California.

I’ll later illustrate and provide examples of how stigma for “mental health” is very much alive and absolutely will be used against that of another. Especially when custody litigation is a cornerstone of your daily stress and loneliness. My intent with this written discourse is in warning others: other women; mothers. I’m not interested in having the same motivation for the male populace. They can take care of themselves when the issue at said hand is custody. I’ve got my boundaries and I’m exercising them in real time in the writing of this. Please honor that.

California was a living nightmare and I am lucky to have escaped! My experiences were short-lived with confusing ongoings and dialogue that was at odds with the maternity home’s displayed and touted coerced and cornered “California adoption” of my most cherished child of the two, Odet, engendered a rage that serves as THE ONLY force that which motivates me as each day passes and offers the morning sun with further hardships, struggle and despair that are thrown at the feet. I continue to stand; continue in swift and sweaty gait as I somehow find myself still holding on to a slight chance of hope and UNWANTED FAITH!

Struggling with the words to further illustrate, here, with how I have overcome those initial circumstances of unreasonable, unjustified, and absolutely insurmountable grief.

How I carefully and patiently plot my hours I fulfill in living through THE MANY AND VARIED WAYS I CAN OBTAIN VENGEANCE THAT OF WHICH I ACTIVELY AND EAGERLY SEEK as I feel this said course of action and, then, on a whole scale, LIFESTYLE, is the only avenue I have left given to me at my disposable. Every legal, diplomatic and reasonable entry in stating with those pleadings to defend the character I consistently hold and demonstrate while maintaining with solid position throughout these harrowing ordeals has been stricken from me where selfish, malevolent key-characters seated in the varied and carefully orchestrated, streamlined yet quiet seats of power and influence of people holding an endless and abundant line-of-credit that—I just don’t have anymore, myself!

And the rage propels me further. . .And then Columbine happened

Rightfully I ought to be considered a ‘domestic cell terrorist’. And I’d almost daringly wish to explicitly suggest; and then, in a great sense of urgency seek to maintain the safety of these projected targets in steering their attention towards (and to do so would be to their advantageous hopeful to outcome of health and safety) the true testament of highly and,—well, here’s where a jury would best serve, here—let them decide whether there would stand to be an implied empathetic understanding for these consequences from a mother who stridently pursues her willed undertakings that was wrongly slighted in the most expensive avenue. The robbing of her children! There’s the ransom. The demanded silence and disenfranchisement from a society that plays with the invisible slight-of-hand that typically involves a slight ‘phone-call’ and aware

Was of these people’s objectives that were only learned throughout conversations that negated to be regarded as ‘professional’ and ethical oral and jotted-down discourse—oh hey. I almost neglected to add the LinkedIn connections that aren’t publicly displayed in side of any given professional’s wanted sense and driven adoption of endured privacy. Diane Niswander, Executive Director of Family Connections Christian Adoptions I just had to include you!

I’m actively promoting you Niswander! And believe me, with the displayed unwavering and loyal position you’ve maintained there for over 31 years hasn’t escaped my fascination and take in notice.

There’s a lot of motivation here!


See. Told you I’m dangerous. If only for the thoughts that fulfill me I’m having mere opportunity, may be less, if the required financial resources were lacking in having already acquired.

And I HATE SOCIETY at large. 🤗 Can’t wait to see what 🥴 happens!

Out & Under ,  Ray Jay
Out & Under, Ray Jay

“The Local”—She’s Local, too.

This shit’s where the boots are cocked in upward and relaxed positioning

Never Has the Most Bitterness Revealed, finally, most dreaded Confrontation. The Angst Experienced while the Rest Collectively—and in Unison—Motion for Holding in Apt Demonstration an Assumed, “Concern, too”.

Continue reading ““The Local”—She’s Local, too.”